Funnymouths by Slimebeast
I have a problem I can't quite explain - not briefly, at least.
I came to know the name "Funnymouth" in a strange sort of way. I guess that's fitting since he was a strange sort of person.
The night in question, when everything went beyond the point of "wrong", concerned a message board, a video, and a nightmare. I'd been casually scrolling through the archive a favorite horror site when someone caught my attention with a curious headline. I'd been looking for an old post about streaming cult classic movies, but that mission was sidetracked pretty fast.
"Is Funnymouth True?"
Having no idea who or what the subject in question was, I decided to skim the thread.
Posted by ArmyDad45 on April 14h, 2013, 3:45 PM
Hey guys. I know this is probably bullshit and I'm stupid for asking, but is this Funnymouth thing actually legit? I went to the website and it works.
Posted by Scotch on April 14th, 2013, 4:02 PM
I have no idea what you're talking about, but no it isn't real.
Posted by ArmyDad45 on April 14th, 2013, 4:05 PM
Funnymouth. The story that's circulating. If you go to Bluud.com you die or get mangled or something. I was scared about going at first, but figured what the Hell. Does anyone know what happened to Charlie Watts from the original post?
Posted by Gregor_K on April 14th, 2013, 5:45 PM
No, it's not true. It's a hoax like "Normal Porn for Normal People". Some kids somewhere are just making shit up for laughs and hope suckers buy into it.
In fact, you can check the author's site. He calls himself Slimebeast.
Posted by TheBigOhNo on April 14th, 2013, 6:01 PM
You DO know that Slimebeast just takes credit for shit he didn't write, correct? He was asked to prove ownership and he can't. There's no reason to think he actually came up with Funnymouth.
In fact, I bet if you look back you'll see that Funnymouth, the site, and Lemonlimeskull (C.H. Watts) were around long before the liar started posting anything.
He probably wrote "I Hate You", though.
Posted by ArmyDad45 on April 15th, 2013, 2:15 PM
So is this real or not?
Posted by Gregor_K on April 15th, 2013, 4:00 PM
Not. Please go stick your head underwater for about ten minutes.
Now I'm not new to internet hoaxes, scams, etc. I've played along with ARGs and I've read my fair share of cool stories told by many a bro. Still, I was interested in what kind of story could make someone actually question its legitimacy when all others seemed completely sure it was bullshit.
When I Googled "Funnymouth" and sifted through the unrelated products and cell phone apps of the same name, I was still left as baffled as I'd been before. Sure, the story sounded intriguing and the logs presented within seemed like they could, theoretically, be real... but still the skeptic in me cried out.
"You moron, of COURSE it isn't real."
Among the cluster of posts about the story and blogs started by people using the name, I found something that seemed to be genuinely unrelated to the story. Something that stood on its own and didn't seem to reference the post in any way other than its title.
It was a video, posted by a YouTube user named "Tormentalist". I'd almost lumped it in with all the videos of narrators reading the original post until I noticed it wasn't a horror story, but instead had the thumbnail image of an online game.
"Please Kill Funnymouth! | Town of Salem"
The video was much as you'd imagine, some "Let's Play" simpleton giggling and overacting as he and a couple douche friends played an online game together. This particular game seemed to be based on the Salem Witch Trials, with each player trying to find the evildoers and lynch them.
Tormental: Let's see, what is my name going to be this time...
Jolie: I don't know. Be Poopbutt.
Justin: Be my little Poopbutt.
Tormental: I feel like that wouldn't be a good idea, because you'll know who I am and you'll kill me night one.
Chad: Oh noooo.
Chad: Nothing. The name I wanted is too long. It's a reference to this Goku/Vegeta slash fic, so nobody would probably get it, anyway.
So yeah, the standard bullshit.
A few minutes into the thing, I was about to bail out for my own sake. Then I saw one of the other players in the game.
Blue: I'm Survivor, I win with anyone.
Tall Short Guy: Put your name in your will in case there's a Disguiser.
funnymouth: helo everyone tonight funnymouth: whats this game funnymouth: pligrims funnymouth: hats
Senpai: Jester spotted.
funnymouth: thats okay i can funnymouth: beeee funny somtimes funnymouth: u will see
I watched the rest of the recording, and there didn't seem to be much interesting about it until halfway through, Tall Short Guy... the name "Tormental" had chosen... finally got sick of Funnymouth.
funnymouth: i like to lik the bluud
Tall Short Guy: Someone please kill Funny Mouth. Tall Short Guy: I don't care if he's the Jester. If you won't kill him at night, I'll vote Guilty by myself.
funnymouth: o funnymouth: dont b so mad about it funnymouth: i see ur handsome face funnymouth: O)_(O
Naturally, at the end of the round the only one left alive was Funnymouth himself. The folks recording signed off, said their goodbyes, and the video ended just as one final thing was said in chat.
funnymouth: we will hav fun u will see
There was nothing there to further explain who or what this Funnymouth person was, and for all I knew it was just some asshole who wouldn't break character. I felt as if I'd just wasted a half hour of my life on unfunny jokes, poop humor, and horrible puns.
Then my eye caught something in the recommended videos.
Another recording, titled simply "Watts-01_10_13".
I couldn't tell much from the thumbnail, but it looked to be a gray scale image... sort of like security camera footage... showing a stark, bare room, with a figure crouched in a dark corner.
Figuring this could be anything from a jump-scare video to a poorly produced fan film, I let out a sign and clicked the link. The imagery was of course much like the thumbnail that had been pulled from it. A single security camera was aimed at a hunched figure in the darkness of what seemed to be a weathered cell.
Voice: Do you know your name?
Voice: It's Charles. Do you remember? Charles.
Man: Ah seh yah hangah fagh.
He laughs, though it sounds more like vomiting.
Voice: Charles, I want to talk to you about why you hurt yourself. Can you tell me about the website and why you took it down?
Man: Ahm silleh.
Voice: Charles -
He gets to his feet awkwardly and steps into the light. He's wearing a soiled straight jacket and frayed pants that end at his bare feet.
He brings his face to the camera. Above the remains of a slaughtered, malformed, gaping jaw, he displays a pair of wide, completely dilated eyes surrounded by black skin.
It looks as if there is some stitching and wire-work in the mass of filmy, tattered flesh of his mouth, though it appears to be botched and infected.
Man: Fuhnamagh, Fuhnamagh, Fuhnamagh, Fuhnamagh, Fuhnamagh!
He carelessly skips in circles before falling to the floor in laughter.
The video ends.
At that point, I feel like I finally understood the strange emoticon I'd seen pop up again and again.
I watched the video a second time... then a third... I ran and re-ran the final scene, and each time I changed my stance on whether the whole thing had been faked or not. Computer graphics? Astounding prosthetics? ... Actual massive injury? Every time I'd made up my mind, something else seemed to stick out that changed my whole opinion.
I checked the comments, but they weren't much help. By the time I'd gotten there, all discussion had turned to Obamacare and Equestria, as it tends to do. All the folks like myself, the ones who actually wanted to know more about what we had seen, were drowned out by argument and unrelated tangents.
That night, long after I'd given up the search, I finally dragged myself to bed and attempted to sleep off the exhausted, hot feeling that had overtaken my head.
I dreamt I was back at the old pizza place my parents used to run. "Pies Guys Pizza & Italian". I'd often waited long hours in the hot, bustling dining area while Mom and Dad slaved away on the orders. Usually, other kids would come and go which provided at least some entertainment... but not on this night.
I remember feeling alone and full of dread as I sat in a corner booth, cast in shadow. For longest time there was only silence as dark figures entered the restaurant, slowly circled the tables, and left without saying a word.
"Hey, Mosquito." My Dad had come up with the endearing pet name because I was a 'little bloodsucker' on his bank account, "Hope you're hungry!"
I looked down at the table, where my Father had placed a big plate of spaghetti and meatballs. Grabbing a fork, I started to eat as if I'd been starving for days.
"He's growing up to be quite the man." Dad said as he joined Mom behind the counter.
"Such a handsome face." She agreed.
I froze, feeling what seemed like a cold fist clutching my stomach.
Looking down at the plate I saw nothing but a bundle of writing, sauce-covered earth worms. The pair of meatballs were now half-hooded eyes. Dilated. Surrounded by black.
They flicked wide as the spaghetti... the worms... reached back out of my throat, making me gag. They coiled around my jaw and pulled.
I awoke with a gasp. It was morning already, though it felt as if I'd only dozed off for moments. I rolled out of bed and onto the floor in what I can only describe as the flight-or-flight sense of fear an animal must feel when a predator draws fist blood.
My hands shook as I drank my coffee. In fact, every time I thought I'd gotten my nerves under control that day... suffice to say I was quickly proven wrong. I couldn't so much as hold onto a pencil without trembling.
It was only after I read that original forum thread again that I finally calmed down and convinced myself I'd only whipped myself into a needless frenzy.
I decided the best way to put it behind me was to agree with all the others. Funnymouth was definitely not real.
Posted by Such_Skeptic on July 18th, 2014, 10:30 PM
Sorry to resurrect an old thread, but I only just found about this thing. Anyway, I went to Bluud.com and doesn't seem to be anything special. It actually looks like the owner sold it a while back.
I'd have to agree this is fake, though I do appreciate all of the work that went into fooling people.
I went to find the YouTube videos I'd seen the night before, in order to post them along with my congratulations on a hoax well played. However, it seemed as if Tormental had lost the video.
He posted a snotty update.
"Huh. I could've sworn I just posted a video, but I guess I was wrong. #ThanksYouTube"
From there, I couldn't find the related "security camera" footage... though I could've sworn I'd remembered the right name. Instead, I just finished my post off with something I'd told myself in order to get over my own hysteria.
Anyway, it's not like having a broken jaw is all that scary, anyway.
With that, I posted the message and decided I was done with this embarrassing little phase in my life. I'd gotten a little too invested in the story, and the fact I was doing so in the dead of night didn't help matters.
I was about to leave the forum when I noticed something.
"You have (1) new private message!"
Sent by Funnymouth July 18th, 2014, 10:31 PM
thats okay tho if u dont liek that part
i can find soemthing mor funny then
it will b a suprise
u will see an it will b fun all the time
Now you see my problem.
"Funny" by what standards? Whose idea of humor?
What could be more "funny" than what I'd seen?
Most nights I stand in front of the mirror, now, working my mouth into all kinds of odd, distorted positions. It's not like I can sleep with all the nightmares.
I feel like when I see the expression, I'll know.
Then... at least it won't be a surprise.